The main question of this research was: How can I embrace vulnerability whilst performing and what is the effect of it on my performance experience? 

To find the answer to this question, the following sub questions were formulated: 

What does embracing vulnerability mean? 

As became clear in my theoretical background, both Brown and the experts I interviewed believe that embracing vulnerability has everything to do with dealing with our emotions. Van der Loo stated learning to embrace vulnerability means learning to deal with our emotions. Cleuver said it is about daring to really go through our emotions. Furthermore, the experts stated that embracing vulnerability means getting to know our vulnerabilities and accepting, maybe even appreciating them: “To embrace vulnerability, we should not walk away from, but appreciate our imperfections.” (Brown, 2012) They all agreed that we are scared of being vulnerable, because we are afraid of rejection. Embracing vulnerability, facing our emotions and fears and refusing to build up walls, asks for a lot of courage. When looking at embracing vulnerability on stage, both preparation and level of mastery are of great importance (van der Loo). 

Finding out what vulnerability is to me, has been a journey. When I just started this research, I wrote in my journal that being vulnerable felt like being naked and made me want to run away as fast as I could. A few months later I started realizing that I was not the only one struggling, as peers shared: “We all have these feelings”. After another day of experiencing vulnerability I wrote: “Insight of the day: it is okay to be vulnerable, to not be perfect. In any situation.” Followed by: “Pfff, that’s scary. But I guess it’s true.” Later I found that facing my vulnerabilities can also lead to great joy, as it enabled me to make powerful decisions. Now, after all this, I would say: vulnerability is taking off the mask. Vulnerability is daring to be real (on stage), is daring to face your emotions and daring to open up. Understanding this helped me to be convicted that (experiencing) vulnerability is, like Brown states as well (2012), not equal to inadequacy or weakness. I understand and also experienced that when I embrace my vulnerability, that is actually very powerful.
 

Which strategies can help to embrace vulnerability whilst performing? 

1. Defining & understanding 
Embracing vulnerability starts with defining and understanding vulnerability. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, understanding what vulnerability is has helped me to be convinced that (experiencing) vulnerability is not equal to inadequacy or weakness.  

2. Recognizing & acknowledging 

To me personally recognizing and acknowledging turned out to be key in my process of learning to embrace my vulnerability. Over the course of this research I realised that I have not always been aware of my feelings. Learning to recognize and acknowledge my feelings helped me to understand what was going on in (preparing) a performance and therefore helped me to deal with my feelings and vulnerability. This is in line with what both Brown and the experts I interviewed stated: “Embracing vulnerability starts with defining, recognizing and understanding it” (Brown, 2012) and “Learning to deal with our vulnerabilities starts with getting to know our vulnerabilities” (Cleuver).  

3. Embracing it means facing it (not running away) 
Trying to run away from vulnerability does not work. We cannot escape vulnerability. We try, I tried. I tried to escape by proving myself, by fighting (i.e. during the Performance Class of the 28th of October) and by ignoring my feelings of vulnerability (in preparing for this performance). I blocked my emotions, built up walls and as a result I could not make music from my heart. I missed the mark. Although as Cleuver explained, blocking our emotions before they can eventually take place is a very logical response (regarding the fact that we try to protect our ego and are afraid of our deepest emotions), it obviously does not lead to the desired result. 

4. Preparing performances 
Using deliberate practise (Ericsson, 1993) and rigorous performance preparation turned out to be of major importance in embracing vulnerability on stage. This research shows that embracing vulnerability on stage starts in the practise room. I found that, like van der Loo also stated, when I do not yet master the music I am about to perform, I will be busy surviving instead of embracing my vulnerability on stage. In addition, however, not only technical proficiency, but also the mental part of preparation is not to be underestimated. Visualizing my performances for example, turned out to be extremely useful. By using the strategies I designed, including both technical and mental aspects of preparing, my performance preparation has become much more thoughtful and detailed. My practice has become self-regulated: I actively arranged my thoughts, feelings and actions in order to reach my goals (Zimmerman, 1998).  

The process of learning to embrace vulnerability really revealed the importance of preparation and deliberate practise. My intervention showed that the measure of preparation links positively to the connection I feel with my instrument. This relates to what Brown says in her TED Talk: “When we believe that we are enough, we stop screaming and start listening”. When I believe that I did what I can and that that will be enough, when I am aware of the value of what I am going to bring and when I feel ready, I don’t have to try so hard anymore, I don’t have to force, but I can listen to my sound and feel my instrument. This made performing much more fun.  

In addition to deliberate practice, which elements are likely to lead to a convincing, yet authentic performance and what is the effect of embracing vulnerability on these elements? 

As my theoretical background shows, the elements that are likely to lead to a convincing, yet authentic performance fall into three categories, namely: self-efficacy and trust, focus and flow, and connection. The results show that embracing vulnerability has a positive effect on both my self-efficacy and trust and my focus and flow. The expected effect of a deepened effect on the connection I experienced is not really clear from the results.  

My intervention shows that by facing my vulnerability and fears, my trust in my abilities has actually grown. I feel more confident and secure that I have what it takes. Embracing vulnerability led to higher self-efficacy. 

Over the course of my intervention, I found that performing got more effortless and less stiff and controlled. At the same time I often was very present and focussed.  This is exactly what is called flow (Cziksentmihaly, 1996) and what I found in analysing my data. In 9 out of 13 performances I experienced flow, and as the intervention progressed, flow appeared more frequent. Furthermore, embracing vulnerability resulted in enhanced focus.  

Regarding the connection I felt with my audience, I can not say that I, during my intervention and process of embracing vulnerability, felt a deepened connection with my audience. Although Brown, Dokter and Cleuver are convinced we need vulnerability for connection to take place and although that sounds very reasonable and was what I expected as well, this research has neither contradicted nor proven it. After 2 out of 13 performances I wrote down that I felt like the audience was with me, that it felt like they were really captivated by my performance. In another performance I explicitly noted the peace I felt in the audience. Which could both be referred to as feeling connected. However, there were 4 performances in which I was not consciously aware of (the connection between me and) my audience. Another 5 performances I did not even say anything about the connection with my audience, as if I forgot it existed or found the question too hard to answer. The 2 remaining performances I did say something related to the connection I felt with my audience, but my comments were rather vague. In summary, I would say I found it hard to really feel and/or describe the connection with my audience. Which, according to van der Loo, might be a good thing, as van der Loo stated: “When you are thinking about your audience while performing, you are actually distracted, because you are not thinking about the music.” Dokter put it this way: “For if you as a musician connect with your own heart and with your feelings regarding the music, the audience will sense that and because of that, they will be able to connect with you.” 

So, even though I cannot say I noticed it, the connection with my audience might be deepened. It would be useful to know how the audience experiences the connection with the performer, but it might be the case that not only I, but also the audience finds it hard to be aware of the connection they experience and put it into words. As Dokter said: “The audience will sense the difference between a performance where you give your heart and might make some mistakes and a performance where you just do a great job, playing flawless. They maybe can’t tell the difference, they will find it hard to put it into words, but for sure they can better connect with the first one.” Further research is needed on the topic of connection between a performer and her audience.  

Further research is also needed for diving deeper in the topic of improvisation related to vulnerability. This research suggests that improvising is a next level in experiencing risk and exposure and therefore in feeling vulnerable on stage. How does this work? Can embracing vulnerability help feeling more secure in improvising on stage? Or is it the other way around? Can improvising help in learning to embrace vulnerability? Further research is needed to answer these questions. 

Conclusion 

To me, embracing vulnerability is key to convincing, yet authentic performances. Understanding, recognizing and acknowledging vulnerability, embracing it using the strategies I designed and reflecting on this process by writing this research has completely changed me as a musician. I found that being a performer is not always about being great and strong, but also about being vulnerable and resilient. Learning to embrace vulnerability revealed the importance of rigorous performance preparation and transformed the way I go about my performances. My trust in my abilities has grown, my focus improved and, perhaps most important, performing has become much more fun.  

What we need 

I would recommend any musician to be aware of his vulnerability and find ways to use it, rather than be afraid of it. This will take courage and asks extensive self-examination, but there’s no other way: embracing it, starts with facing it. How do we do this? 

First of all, we need to learn by doing. Embracing vulnerability is not done in one day, one month, or even in one year. It is a journey and it needs time and practise. Trying out the different strategies presented in this research and taking the time to reflect on our experiences. In my intervention I documented many performances, to really learn by doing. If not for the Covid restrictions, I would have done even more performances. I would encourage any musician to experiment with embracing vulnerability by doing and give it time to grow.  
   

Secondly, to learn to embrace vulnerability on stage, we need to be rigorous in preparing our performances, including practising our performance output. We need to be much more explorative when it comes to practising performances and not expect from ourselves to be able to perform instantly after only working in our practise rooms.  

Lastly, we need to help each other with this. We need to talk about vulnerability, about our feelings and our struggles. I imagine small groups of musicians, gathering every once in a while, to try out their performances in front of each other, to share their experiences and strategies when it comes to embracing vulnerability, and to connect with each other. Let’s not be in this alone but grow in choosing courage and taking off our masks together.  

A personal note