Introduction
In the previous chapter I talked about the meaning of embracing vulnerability, the relationship between vulnerability, music making and connection and about the elements that are likely to lead to convincing, yet authentic performances. In this chapter I will show you how I designed an intervention in order to find out which strategies can help me to embrace vulnerability whilst performing and what effect embracing vulnerability has on my performance experience (in particular my self-efficacy & trust, focus & flow and connection).
Learning to embrace vulnerability is not done in one day, neither is it a linear process. Embracing vulnerability starts with defining, recognizing and understanding vulnerability. (Brown, 2012) For me this process started in September 2019, when I read dr. Brown’s book ‘Daring Greatly’ and decided that I wanted to discover what embracing vulnerability would bring to my performances. Ever since, I kept a journal and recorded and documented my performances. This became the backbone of my interventions. I designed and tried strategies to embrace vulnerability and documented the results in a rich way (audio/video, journal, questionnaire).
Method
This intervention is a self-study. Over the course of a year, 13 (solo) performances have been recorded and documented, during which time strategies to embrace vulnerability were designed and implemented.
At first, my insights and observations were documented in the form of an open journal. During the spring of 2020 I designed a self- questionnaire, to write down my experiences in a more structural and formal way. From the 14th of July onwards, this self-questionnaire has been used to document the performances. All the performances were audio and/or video recorded.
Both the journal fragments and the self-questionnaires have been analysed and the texts have been coded, using both selective and open coding. The recordings were looked at a few weeks after a performance took place, the observations I did were documented in the self-questionnaire.
Click here to see the Self-Questionnaire (PDF)
List of recorded and documented performances
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1 |
9th December ‘19 |
Masterclass Lars Mlekusch |
|
2 |
16th December ‘19 |
Saxophone performance class |
|
3 |
27th January ‘20 |
Saxophone performance class |
|
4 |
11th February ‘20 |
Performance Science Class |
|
5 |
15th February ‘20 |
Northern Light Concert (improvisation) |
|
6 |
14th of July ‘20 |
Fund for Excellence |
|
7 |
11th October ‘20 |
Focus Vocaal |
|
8 |
25th October ‘20 |
Focus Vocaal |
|
9 |
25th October ‘20 |
Focus Vocaal |
|
10 |
28th October ‘20 |
Saxophone Performance Class |
|
11 |
20th November ‘20 |
Final Concert Colleague |
|
12 |
28th November ‘20 |
Livingroom concert |
|
13 |
3rd December ‘20 |
Saxophone Performance Class |
In preparing and executing the performances that were part of this intervention different strategies to embrace vulnerability were used. The strategies listed below are based upon literature studies and evolved along the way. These strategies formed the menu I choose from for each performance. Depending on for example the setting of the performance, the difficulty of the pieces I had to play or my own mood I focused on one strategy more than the other. When I focused on a particular strategy, I took note of that in the self-questionnaire.
Strategies used to embrace vulnerability
Mental training
The key concept of mental training is that training that is done without your instrument is also practicing. Mental training enhances learning, motivation and the ability to focus on your goals. (Williams, 2020) Mental training comes in different forms, one of them, visualisation, is particularly interesting as a strategy in learning to embrace vulnerability on stage.
"When visualizing the vulnerable place while practicing, when imagining these thoughts to come, we won’t be so overwhelmed when they show up during the actual performance. Because we’ve been there." (From my journal, 18 November 2019)
Sometimes it is painful to be brave, to look fear in the face. But research shows that we 'd better do so in advance, to be prepared. When it comes to visualizing performances, we need to create an image in our mind that is as complete as it can be. What will the setting be like? Who will be in the audience? What will I be wearing? How will it feel to wear this? Will I be nervous? Distracted by a photographer? Or maybe by children running around? Practically, it can help to go to visit the venue on beforehand and imagine myself playing in front of my audience. Or, when I am nervous to play for a certain person, to practise with a picture of him or her on my music stand.
Using affirmations
The things we say to ourselves before, during, and after our performance have effects: “Self-talk can be positive, negative, or neutral, but it almost always has some influence on our behaviour,” (Salmon & Meyer, 1992) It is therefore very interesting to check what we tell ourselves and to make our self-talk helpful. For what we believe about ourselves has a profound effect on what actually happens (Williams, 2019). Positive self-talk is used a lot in sports coaching.
As the goal of this research is embracing vulnerability, I designed affirmations (as a form of positive self-talk) to help me embrace vulnerability. Affirmations are personal, what works for me does not necessarily work for someone else. I use affirmations in Dutch, because it is the language closest to my heart, hereby the translation:
1. I am precious and have something valuable to bring.
2. I am a good saxophone player.
3. I am grateful for this opportunity to share my music.
4. I am looking forward to create something beautiful today.
5. I am talented; talented to make beautiful music and talented to connect.
6. I am open and approachable, people enjoy being around me.
7. I am not afraid to tell my story.
8. I am enough.
9. I am a brave woman, I do not hide myself, because I have something beautiful to bring.
10. I master my instrument.
Click here to see the original Dutch
All these affirmations are about embracing vulnerability. The numbers 2, 4, 5, 6 and 10 are linked to self-efficacy. Number 1, 7 and 9 have to do with authenticity, number 9 also links to focus. Number 3 speaks about connection and number 8 is about mindfulness.
Remembering the goal
What is the goal of this performance? Why am I here? To play technically perfect? To be a genius? No! The exact goal of each performance might differ, but in the core, it will always be about making music, about telling a story. When it comes to learning to embracing vulnerability, it is very important and helpful to remember your goals, to remember that performing is not about perfection. Performing might as well be about appreciating the cracks: “There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in” – Leonard Cohen.
Performance preparation
Studying the books of Susan Williams (2020) and Wieke Karsten (2019) and using the ‘practice log’ (see Appendix 2) has led to the following list of methods that are to be used in studying and in preparing a performance. Using different practise techniques helps to be well prepared for a performance. In preparing the performances used in this research there has not been a day-to-day plan, but an integrating of all the techniques below. Important note: some techniques might be skipped, except for number 25. No matter how well points 1 till 24 are done, if 25 is skipped the performance is more likely to fall apart. Experience has showed me that practising the performance, playing through the piece several times, is crucial in order to perform well.
- Skeleton (look for the structure of the piece, simplify the passage you practise).
- Chunking; make little fragments, loop a fragment as long as it takes to make it work and then continue with the next fragment.
- Is the piece fast? Practise is slowly.
- Is the piece slow? Practise it fast, to find the flow of the music.
- Exaggerate dynamics and/or character.
- Vary the rhythm.
- Vary the given articulation.
- Improvise around a certain passage.
- Ask yourself which character you want in a certain passage, put it into words and then play it.
- Play everything legato (watch your air support!).
- Play everything on air (before articulating with the tongue).
- Transpose a passage.
- Play a passage using overtones.
- Play a passage with the mouthpiece only.
- Play one octave up/down.
- Practise the parts around a certain note; 'kicks’ it (i.e. make a deliberate miss pitch), go far too low, make sure you do everything you can and make all the possible mistakes, to play more in the core of the note in the end.
- Play superslow, open your ears (don’t think, listen!).
- Play one long note, while you think the music (determine where you are going to breathe and practise the line).
- Fill all the notes with eight notes or sixteenths (think the line!).
- Use your ears; imagine the phrase, sing it, use gestures and then play it.
- Play along with a recording.
- Dance while playing, get the music in your body.
- Random practise; play hard fragments randomly after each other.
- Make it more difficult; run up and down the stairs and then play the whole piece.
- Practise your performance!
- visualize it
- do as if it is the performance itself
(including walking on stage and introducing the piece)
- record yourself
Next to the above practice techniques, it is very important to know the score. In order to tell the story of the music, the story has to be discovered not only in the notes, but also in the context they were written in. Basic questions to answer in the performance preparation:
§ Who is the composer? What is his background? Which other pieces has he written?
§ When was the piece written? For what was the piece written? What did the music scene look like at that time?
§ What style is this piece? Are there certain traditions or characteristics bound to this style?
§ What does the title of the piece tell?
§ Is there a clear form in the piece?
Back to Theoretical Background Next page: Results
Results
The results of the intervention executed on my performances are collected for the three categories outlined in the theory background, namely: self-efficacy and trust, focus and flow, and connection (selective coding). When analysing the logbook data using open coding, I noticed three other themes coming up, namely: authenticity, feedback, and performance preparation. Lastly, I collected some additional insights. (See Appendix 3 for the data of the intervention.)
Self-efficacy and trust
In all the performances with a positive performance experience, 11 out of 13 performances, I noted that I felt trust – either in myself, my instrument, my ability to make music. I trusted that what I was going to bring, was going to be enough, and that made me feel calm and secure. In one performance I discovered that my lack of trust, led to feeling more nervous. “Regarding the pieces with choir I am a bit more nervous, for I don’t fully trust the choir and conductor, so don’t really know what to expect in the concert.”
Over time my trust in my abilities has grown. Click here for a video of a performance in which I really felt trust in my abilities.
Focus and flow
I found myself being particularly present and focussed during 9 out of 13 performances: “I was very much present and I knew exactly what I was going to do.” But almost as often as I found myself being focussed, I found myself being distracted: “Also, there was a man sitting on the first row who was clearly not so focussed or silent, he was moving around on his chair during my solo piece. I noticed that this took me out of my focus now and then.” A few times I found that I could easily get back to my focus: “Sometimes I lost my ‘action thinking’ for a second and went to ‘story thinking’, but then I would super quickly bring my focus back to sing along and feel the music.” Overall, good acoustics can help me to stay focussed. “It sounded beautiful in the hall, which helped me to stay focussed on the music and sound.”
In 9 out of 13 performances I experienced flow and as the intervention progressed, flow appeared more frequent: “I didn’t think so much, I just played and followed the sound and my fingers, it was great!” Next to flow appearing more frequently as the intervention progressed, also my focus improved (in general).
Connection
After 10 out of 13 performances I noted that I felt very much connected with my instrument and the music, 2 times I did not mention anything about the connection I felt and in one performance I did not at all feel connected. I wrote down a number of times that I felt one with the music and felt like me and my instrument really were a team. Several times I concluded that I had not consciously connected with the audience, was not super aware of the audience, as I was just focused on the music / in my own bubble: “It was mainly me and the music, didn’t think about the audience too much.” (Click here for a videofragment of this particular performance.) Sometimes I noticed that the audience was really quiet and captivated by my performance, I loved this feeling: “They were really fascinated, that felt great.”
Over time the connection I felt with my instrument did not significantly change. I did, however, find that the connection I felt with my instrument was linked positively to the measure of preparation, meaning that I felt more connected to my instrument during the performances that were well prepared.
Authenticity
In preparing one of the documented performances (11th October ’20) I used the affirmation ‘I am not going to hide today, for what I have to bring might be of more value than I think.’ Afterwards I noted in the questionnaire: “I felt freer to shape, to listen, to play from the heart”.
Listen to the recording of this performance here.
Over the course of the intervention I felt more authentic. By learning to embrace vulnerability I found more ways to express myself.
External feedback
Although this research is about my own performance experience, I did receive a lot of external feedback as well. As I did not ask for specific ‘vulnerability related’ feedback, the outcome of it is mainly general. For example, the audience was mostly very enthusiastic. They complimented my phrasing, my energy, the different sounds and colours I created and were impressed by my technique. People also mentioned that they liked the way my body and face expressed the music. Lastly, audiences mentioned being captured by the atmosphere I created with my playing.
The positive feedback from the audience did not allow much room for worry shortly after my performances. I always felt exposed after performances, but: “The immediate positive reactions from the audience, made me feel quite okay.” When there was no direct response from the audience (i.e. because my performance was part of a bigger performance) I one day felt better than the other. Sometimes I found myself wondering whether the audience would have liked it (and thus feel very much exposed and vulnerable), sometimes I would just reflect on my own playing and decide for myself that I was happy and satisfied.
Performance preparation
As performance preparation turned out to be a crucial element in balancing and controlling my emotions it is worth going into more detail on this subject.
Insights about performance preparation included things like how to prepare the performance experience, how to prepare directly before a performance and how to look after myself physically and mentally.
Talking about preparing the performance experience, I found out that I need to take into account quite some factors that might distract me during my performance. For example, there may be photographers walking around, or a child making noise. It is important to realize beforehand that these things can happen, to not be too surprised (and therefore distracted) in the moment itself. Visualizing the performance, including everything that might possibly distract me, turned out to be extremely useful.
When it comes to preparing directly before a performance, I discovered the benefits and need of a proper warmup. Skipping the warmup directly before a performance had a negative result on both my focus, connection with my instrument and my energy. Doing a proper warmup including playing long, low notes, helped to connect with the instrument and myself and kept my breath low.
Another aspect of preparing directly before a performance is dealing with nerves. It turned out to be of great help to recognize and admit to myself that I was actually feeling nervous. By taking my nerves seriously before the performance started, I had less trouble dealing with them on stage. When trying to avoid them in the preparation, they would show up on stage all the more.
In dealing with my nerves, I found out that it helped to remind myself of my goals and beliefs, answering the questions: Why am I here? Why do I want this? It also helped to go outside for a walk, to get some fresh air, move my body and focus on my breathing.
Lastly, I saw that on the day of performance it is important to look after myself both mentally and physically. I for example experienced that for me it is not a good idea to visit a crowded shopping mall, for places like this are draining my energy. On the contrary I found that turning off my phone a few hours before the performance and asking for my own dressing room (instead of sharing one with a complete choir) was helpful.
Insights
One remarkable insight was the understanding that improvisation really is a next level in vulnerability and feeling exposed. Improvising did feel very vulnerable and I noticed that I tried to fight this by being well prepared.
The following quotes from my self-questionnaires seem remarkable as well: “It was quite scary, I didn’t really feel nervous, but I did feel vulnerable” and “I felt calm and centred and excited at the same time”. These quotes give clear insight in my feelings: not being nervous, does not mean not feeling vulnerable and, feeling calm and centred does not mean you cannot be excited at the same time. (Click here for a video)
Important to notice in my intervention was that I found it easier to focus when I could not see my audience staring at me. I realise that that is a big advantage of the ‘traditional’ concert setting! When it is dark in the hall, you do not have to deal with all the distractions the audience can bring about.
One final performance that is worth mentioning in particular is the Performance Class of October the 28th. This was by far not my best performance and my performance experience was terrible. I felt extremely exposed and judged by both myself and by my audience, already whilst playing. How could this happen? Beforehand I wrote down in my questionnaire that I felt ready and felt like embracing vulnerability in the performance. But here are the two mistakes I made: First, I estimated wrongly how ready I was to perform this piece. Secondly, the moment before I stood up to perform, I thought more or less: I am going to prove myself, I am going to fix it. After analysing this performance with my saxophone teacher, we found out that I had indeed been trying to prove myself instead of being vulnerable. An important lesson was learned: trying to prove yourself, does not work, in fact, it is the enemy of making music.
The recording of this performance shows what happened with my intonation while I was busy proving myself (note: this is just the beginning of the piece, as I continue, my instrument warms up more and more and therefore sound even sharper). Click here for the video.
Next page: Conclusion and Discussion
Georg Philipp Telemann - Fantasia no. 2
14 July 2020, Fund for Excellence, Royal Conservatoire The Hague
Michail Glinka - Trio Pathethique
soprano saxophone - Marlon Valk
tenor saxophone - Astrid Boekel
piano - Tobias Borsboom
20 November 2020, final exam Astrid Boekel
Prins Claus Conservatorium, Groningen
"Surprise! In this class of Wieke Karsten and Susan Williams we were, as an introduction, all asked to play a bit in front of the group and add some words about our research. I played a bit of Vitali’s Chaconne and then shared about my research. The class was taking place in a lecture hall, a large room with a pitched floor, used for instruction. Which means that my audience was sitting like 5 meters in front of me. I knew this was going to be the setting and I was prepared for it, I visualized my performance. I wasn’t too nervous. But then something happened I wasn’t prepared for: Wieke asked me if, in the context of my research, I might prefer to do it once more with the audience seated in a circle close around me. I did it, one of my class mates filmed it. It was quite scary, I didn’t really feel nervous, but I did feel vulnerable."
11 February 2020, Performance Science Class, filmed by Nil Domènech Fuertes
"What I feel now: shame. What I am going to do about it? I will talk it over and see if I can find some empathy. As Brené Brown says in her Ted Talk: If you put shame and empathy together, shame can’t survive."
Sergej Prokofjev - Sonata for flute and piano
piano: Alessandro Soccorsi
28 October 2020, Performance Class, Royal Conservatoire The Hague