5. Personal Reflections on Sound and Self

This process has involved intellectual inquiry and a profound psychological and emotional journey. Through the lens of autoethnography, I have documented my thoughts, collaborations, and improvisations, which release the tension built up through years of carrying the weight of a conflicted identity. This has served as the medium through which the soul speaks beyond the limitations of words, particularly in improvisation. In these moments, I can connect with my instrument and the people around me, creating a shared space that goes beyond ordinary interaction and allows for a deeper, more authentic exchange.

When I left Bethlehem in 2019, it was not only a physical departure but a quest to find meaning, refuge, and a deeper connection to myself and the world. Music became a way to navigate this journey—a vessel for holding the pain of displacement, the memories of home, and the aspirations for freedom and identity. It allowed me to listen, not only to others but to the silences within myself.

In the unfolding of this exploration, we start to glimpse something both beautiful and unsettling, something beyond words. It’s the fullness of life—the brightness and richness of it—and at the same time, the dark, brutal realities of our shared humanity that came to be. Here, we must confront not only the beauty that creation and love bring forth but also the “machinery” that has dehumanized entire communities, reducing lives to points on a map, and using the highest forms of technology to take away the most basic rights of existence. To open ourselves to what lies beneath the layers of conditioning and normality, we have to pause—to simply look at life from a place of genuine inquiry and stillness. In that quiet, we come face to face with a deeper reality, a void within that seems strangely alive despite everything we are doing, building, and creating in the world. And this looking, this seeing, isn’t just for a fleeting moment. It requires us to keep looking.

As Krishnamurti observed, war is not an isolated event but a reflection of how we live day to day, an intensification of our small daily acts of indifference or aggression. This division, this desensitization, thrives only as long as we refuse to look. The question becomes: how do we live with awareness, truly seeing both sides of humanity? How do we create not just art or music but a life that resonates with this deep seeing, where sound and action arise from a place of genuine understanding? As artists, as creators, our work becomes a call, a reaching into that awareness to clear the layers of oppression, to loosen the dividing  boundaries, to feel a pulse of truth that transcends divisions. It is a journey of removing what is false to touch the enduring. 

As I reflect on this path, I am drawn to the profound words of Jiddu Krishnamurti, who posed essential questions about the role of the artist and the nature of creation. Krishnamurti asks, "What is an artist? Is he something apart from our daily living? The beauty of living. This inquiry resonates deeply with the themes of this research, calling us to reconsider artistry not as an isolated pursuit but as an integral part of living fully, responsibly, and authentically.

Krishnamurti’s view—that the artist should first and foremost be a "total human being," fully attuned to life, love, beauty, and responsibility—offers a guiding light for understanding the artist's role in moments of crisis. In his assertion that true creativity arises from a "whole, healthy" relationship with nature and existence, I find a powerful reminder of the urgency and sacredness of artistic practices. For me, music has always been more than sound; it is a way to establish and nurture this relationship—a channel through which the fragmented self can connect with a larger sense of purpose and belonging. Krishnamurti’s challenge to question our attachments to national, ideological, or cultural identities resonates deeply with the journey of this research, particularly his assertion that "When we identify ourselves with a country, with certain ideologies... we are incapable of being humble. Because only when you're inquiring in humility, you learn, you find out."

The art that emerges from this place is not an escape but a confrontation and liberation—a reminder of what humanity can be, what life could mean if we choose to look with full honesty at what’s there. And perhaps in this stillness, in this inquiry, we begin to dismantle that machinery, to bring about a harmony that holds both the beauty and the brutal truth of existence, calling each of us to be truly alive, together.

In the end, this reflection brings together all the elements of my journey— the  collaborations, the improvisations, the struggles, the inspirations, and the emotional weight of being a Palestinian artist in today’s world.  As I reflect on the journey of writing this thesis, I find that the process has been not only academic but also deeply personal and emotional. Over the past two years, I have moved through moments of joy, struggle, pain, and revelation, encountering a vast spectrum of human experience. The essence of this thesis lies at the intersection of these experiences and my evolving artistic identity, shaped by my engagement with the world around me. My reflections have shown that my identity is not fixed but an ever-shifting narrative, influenced by the ongoing crisis in Palestine, by my connection to the land and the memories of growing up in Bethlehem during the First and Second Intifadas, and by my current life in Helsinki. Music thus becomes both an act of resistance and a means of healing—a way to reclaim my voice, express collective pain, and create beauty in a world that often denies us that right.

Through this work, I hope to honor the resonating voices that have guided me, to contribute to a global dialogue of solidarity, and to affirm the transformative power of art to reimagine what it means to live fully and authentically in a fractured world. Through layers of sound, through the threads of connection, and through the courage to express vulnerability, the artist becomes a bridge between the seen and unseen, the spoken and unspoken. 

Improvisation offers a way to respond to these crises, not with solutions but with presence. It is a practice that invites the body to react, to feel, to listen deeply. It is an act of liberation, erasing the boundaries that separate us and connecting us to something larger—a shared resonance, a collective pulse. Improvisation is not just sound; it is an exploration of truth through vulnerability and a way to remember what it means to belong, love, and trust in the natural rhythms of existence. The art that arises from such seeing is not an escape; it’s a confrontation and a glimpse into what humanity could be if we chose to see honestly. 

Resonating Voices reflects this journey—both personal and collective. It is a recognition of all those whose voices have shaped this work, whether quoted, collaborated with, or simply felt. These voices resonate through the open spaces of authenticity, through the courage to be vulnerable, and through the genuine quest for truth. They remind us that amid a human crisis, there is an urgency not only to resist but also to connect, to honor the humanity within ourselves and in each other. I see this work not as a conclusion but as an ongoing exploration. The resonating voices in this thesis are not fixed—they are living, evolving, and calling us to listen more deeply, question more bravely, and connect more authentically. 

Krishnamurti’s call to embrace the totality of life as a foundation for creativity inspires me to approach this performance not as an endpoint but as a continuation of the quest for truth, freedom, and connection. The concept of Resonating Voices, which is central to this thesis, reflects this integrative view. It is not just about sound but about the common spaces of inquiry and expression that music generates. 

The horrific crisis happening in Palestine, and indeed around the world, demands not just reflection but transformation. As artists, we must seek ways to reinvent, reconnect, and restore, rather than simply reflect the brokenness. The title of this thesis, Resonating Voices, captures this notion. It speaks to the voices that have informed this work—those of collaborators, mentors, ancestors, and communities—as well as the hidden connections that music can evoke. These voices are not limited to sound; they are moments of recognition, shared presence, and a common pulse that binds us to one another and to life itself. 

This humility—being receptive to the present to oneself and to others—is consistent with improvisation's core value as a liberating practice. Improvisation, as explored in the collaborations of this thesis, invites continual observation and a discipline of presence. In the act of creating music, particularly through the spontaneous interplay of instruments, identities, and stories, the artist must shed preconceptions, biases, and attachments to outcomes. This is comparable to the process of removing the outer layers of imposed identities in order to reveal the more profound realities of the individual and the shared experience. 

I am reminded of the significance of this inquiry as I prepare for the research's final performance, a concert featuring collaborators from all across the world. We share presence, courage, and resistance through the music we create, the stories we tell, and the connections we build. They urge us to recognize the resonant voices of our shared humanity and to move beyond the concepts of nationality, ideology, and individualism. 

Osho’s assertion that “creativity is the greatest rebellion in existence” Creativity, as he says, means breaking free from conditionings, rejecting the limitations imposed by collective psychology. These creative acts necessitate a willingness to step into the unknown, to risk vulnerability, and to believe in the process of improvisation as a means of discovering both self and collective voice. Osho’s vision of the artist as someone who must “inquire in the jungles of life.” This rebellion is not destructive; rather, it is fruitful. Osho’s emphasis on leaving behind the “mob mind” aligns with the necessity of creating spaces where authentic voices can come to light. 

The connection between creativity and discipline, as looked into by Osho, is especially pertinent in the context of improvisation. He argues that living with passion and intensity requires discipline—not the rigid obedience to societal expectations but the discipline of presence, exploration, and self-awareness. This is shown in the improvisational practices discussed throughout this research, where the discipline of being present in the moment allowed for the emergence of genuine expression.

In his interview with the Atheer podcast, Mahmoud Abu Adi fervently stresses that in order to free the mind, we need to confront the systems that aim to define us by our pain and exhort us to rethink our shared future. Living under occupation causes psychological, emotional, and deeply ingrained trauma that is fundamental to our culture and identity, he explains. Abu Adi asserts that psychology’s contribution in liberation goes beyond treating trauma—it is about helping people reclaim their agency and, more importantly, giving them the ability to influence their own destiny. We must break free from the narratives that reduce us to mere victims or passive receivers of fate, as he points out. Resistance, in his view, is not just a response but the reimagining of what could be, beyond the framework of occupation. The ability to imagine and act upon a different reality is the true power of the mind in defeating oppression. This directly  challenges the strategies of occupation that aim to make us believe there is no escape, no vision, no alternative—only despair. For Abu Adi, healing begins with the recognition that our pain is not an isolated experience but rather part of a larger history of resistance. This process of healing and liberation is inherently collective, rooted in our shared past, and it is through this recognition of collective suffering that we begin to heal and move forward. As he continues, liberating the mind is reclaiming it, envisioning a future free from the cycles of trauma and oppression imposed by occupation. (Atheer Podcast, 2024).

Jiddu Krishnamurti who challenged traditional notions of thought and selfhood, offers insights that I have felt resonate deeply with the process of music-making. Music, particularly in its improvised and collaborative forms, offers a profound experiment in freedom. As we compose or improvise, we encounter moments of tension: the desire for a specific outcome, the fear of imperfection, or the attachment to familiar patterns. These internal frictions reflect the "distortions" described by Krishnamurti, in which conscious or unconscious impulses interfere with pure observation. To truly explore any field, one must approach it with freedom, free of preconceived ideas or ambitions (Krishnamurti, 1976). In music, this translates to letting go of expectations, accepting the unexpected, and listening deeply—not just to others, but to oneself.

Krishnamurti’s phrase that "the analyzer is not separate from the analyzed" brings great insight into the creative process, especially in music-making. Typically, when musicians reflect on their performance—judging whether a melody feels authentic or questioning the flow of rhythm—they create a barrier between themselves as observers and their music as the object of observation. However, Krishnamurti dismantles this distinction, claiming that both the observer and the observed arise from the same consciousness. This understanding transforms the paradigm of self-critique in music: the doubts and judgments we project onto our work are inseparable from the creative process itself. Recognizing this interconnectedness allows us to approach music as an extension of ourselves, rather than as a product to be perfected from the outside. In this way, the process of analyzing becomes less about imposing judgment and more about welcoming the wholeness of creation—a seamless flow in which the analyzer and the analyzed are simply facets of the same creative energy.