2001
Leeds, England. I’m sitting in a small room with a blue carpet, white walls and a red light that will switch on if the decibel level is too high (if lit up, the power will turn off), trying to play the changes of yet another jazz standard tune. The sound from the small Polytone amp was as dry as the room and its acoustic. I almost felt like a character from the TV show «The Office», sitting in a cubicle, treating music like it was selling office supplies. I’m not sure what I had expected, but this room seemed very far away from the stages I was dreaming to play on. The blinding stage lights, smoke machines, huge guitar amps and PA were replaced with a blue carpet and a sound meter. So this was how you became a jazz guitarist? Was I really about to become a jazz guitarist?
Leeds. How did I end up here? Ok. I wanted to have a music education. I played electric guitar, I loved to improvise, so then I guess I must study jazz. Jazz is improvisation. Improvisation is Jazz. Or so I thought. One year prior, I was a jazz student for the first time, at Rogaland Musikkonservatorium in Stavanger. I remember that we were all a bit high on the situation: We are music students! We used to book rooms every day and evening to play together. One day (I guess it must have been close to the start of the first semester), I was asked by two other guitarists to come and play with them. One was a German guy who already had a BA in jazz from Germany (I think he was taking a one year course in studio work), the other guy was one of the biggest jazz geeks I’ve ever met. The two of them decided that we should just play a blues. Phew…a blues, I know the blues, I thought to myself. We started playing, but they were playing something different to me. A blues in jazz was very different from the 3-chord blues I had learned. I think this was the first time I realized that to “master” jazz would be a bit different than I had thought. When I moved to Leeds the following year, I moved in with 6 other people, all students at the same Music College. The first thing I heard was a jazz guitar blasting through changes like the guy had not done anything else his whole life (his name is Tom Quayle, and he is now a YouTube-star in the growing internet-guitarists community. He also became one of my best friends in Leeds) I felt intimidated by jazz. In fact, the whole part of my first year at College, I only practiced through my headphones. I didn’t want anyone to hear what I played before I felt a bit more confident in the jazz language.
2014
Berlin, 3 AM. I’m saying goodbye to the rest of the band and crew, they will drive back to Norway while I must fly straight to Oslo to start the festival season. The artists’ management has booked me in a hotel room at the airport so that I can get some sleep before my flight, 2 hours to be exact. I’m so incredibly tired, but my mind is all fired up after a tour with my band EGG3. Now I have to shift myself again to another musical world. From small clubs to big festival stages. Do I remember the music? Instead of sleeping, I play the whole set in my head. The alarm goes off, Next stop: Sound check.
My perfect life? Best of both worlds? I get to make and work with my own music and at the same time play the role of a «rock star». Not that I’m the star…I’m just a hired gun, but I still get to play that part. I have a cat; my own apartment and I share a studio with some friends. To quote Roger Waters: «Is this the life we really want? »
Maybe I need to go deeper? In 2015 get commissioned to write a piece of music for the Maijazz festival in Norway. The music was a result of what I guess you could call an existential crisis, followed by long periods of insomnia. Long nights wondering if I made the right choice by focusing on being a guitarist, to focus on a career in the arts. Why am I a guitarist? Is me playing the guitar a contribution to society? Something had to change. The making of this music almost felt like a Rite of passage. I had full control over the music and the artistic output, and I tried my best to be honest in the music. I was entering something new and leaving something behind.
Berlin/Stavanger 2017
2 concerts in Berlin and one in Stavanger. First gig in Berlin was horrible. My guitar and the rest of the gear got lost on the plane, so I had to borrow everything. This band was playing completely improvised music, so I felt a bit lost without my own stuff. I was tired, uninspired, and insecure. The next gig was great, not a jazz club, but a lovely underground club. But I still remember not being comfortable in the situation. I was always wondering if what I did was any good, and I didn’t feel the connection to the music I was expecting. I felt like I used my chops, and that I had very few of them in the bag in the first place. The Stavanger gig was not great for me either. I had the same feeling all the time: What am I doing? What is this? My guitar does not fit into this at all. And this is being recorded.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Something has to change.
Voksenåsen Hotell. November 2018.
I had an early flight. Way too early. Managed to get up to the hotel, checked in. Time to get some sleep. Impossible. My head is spinning. I haven’t felt like this in years. I’m nervous. This is the first seminar of The Norwegian Artistic Research School Seminar, and I have to present my project. Now this is well out of my comfort zone. I have no idea what to expect. It has been a long time since I had to do anything in front of anyone without a guitar. No stage lights. No familiar and comforting smell of a smoke machine. Where do I put my hands? Where on earth do people put their hands when they’re not wearing a guitar? I did bring some element of the stage with me though, a pair of high heeled leather boots. I’ve done loads of concerts in these boots. The sound of the clacking of the heal against the linoleum floor in the conference room gives me a feeling of control. Or maybe just a memory of it, whatever it is, I’ll take it. So now I’m going to tell a bunch of strangers, a bunch of talented, smart and accomplished strangers, who I am, what I’ve done so far, why I’m granted 3 years of working with something to hopefully make me a more interesting guitarist (or whatever I am at the moment). They might hate my idea. They might say that it won’t work. They are probably right. I’m not even sure if it will work. All I know is that I must evolve. I’m tired of the way I play. I need more material to work with. I need to know more. I need knowledge. I need time. I need more time to go deep. I need to go deeper. Why do I put myself in this situation? After all, I used to be a shy kid. I used to get so nervous before a concert that I could hardly feel my feet touching the ground. I almost think I have a split personality, where one half just wants to sit at home in my own living room, watching movies, close the curtains, have a glass of wine…and never really having to leave the house. The other half needs to be seen, to be acknowledged or accepted. To always find new grounds, accomplish something new. To be tormented. I know it’s not an unique thing to fell inadequate as a musician, in many ways, I guess that is one of the things that gives you the drive. A love/hate relationship to what you do. It’s like being in a complicated relationship with yourself. You and your mind. You and your instrument, You and your body. You and your sound. You and your insecurities. Where do people put their hands when they’re not wearing a guitar?
2021
I’m in my studio in Stavanger. Surrounded by guitar amps, guitars, cables, pedals, and a small PA. My left hand is bending the low E-string as far as I can manage while my right hand is wearing a movement sensor, which controls a video recording of myself doing the same movement projected on the wall beside me. By moving my hand, I control the granulated video back and forth. On my head, there is another movement sensor which controls two LED lights. When I shake my head, I trigger a strobe effect that makes the room flicker, almost making it look like there is a glitch in the real world, just like the glitch in the video. I’m trying to coordinate my hands and head to control the sensors at the same time as I’m playing a guitar part. This is hard.