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Memory may well be a pile of dust, a story, a text, a portrait, a montage, a journey, a thought process, a film… Yet, I dare not define it.
I am currently rewriting this article. Its main contents were developed over two years ago. Back then I argued that memory is mainly a narrative. I reached that conclusion because a particular frame of mind and its resulting methodology led me to believe so. Yet, nowadays, as I walk through the living room and kitchen of my parents’ old house, I cannot avoid questioning my previous beliefs: is memory really a narrative, a creative act? ...
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For lack of better words, I could say that my parents were hoarders. I see the pile of garbage that they accumulated over their lives and I cannot avoid the feeling that somehow, by excavating through their piles of old tickets, used toothbrushes, stockings and neckties from the 60's and all those mementos they piled up in their home, I would certainly get an experience of memory.
I lack definitions but I feel certain of several things: for one, I was never able to articulate a coherent story about myself. I always held deep suspicions about the way I narrated my past; I could never find the structure to articulate my past and most of the time I didn't have the words to express what I wanted to say. My past had such an overbearing presence over my life and yet I couldn’t ́t understand it. But I wanted to understand what it means to remember -- in other words, to understand what a memory is. And maybe precisely because I needed a story, I came to see memory as a narrative.
Back then I wanted to learn how to make films. I couldn't find anyone willing to teach me how to frame an image, how to direct a scene, how to cast actors, how to scout for locations, or how to edit... But I always found in my memory pre-made images that held strong power, textures and emotions that could only be described as “cinematic”.
I thought that maybe I could learn to make films by remembering, by giving visibility to a memory. And maybe because of this desire to make films, I began to understand memory through filmmaking and vice versa.
As such, my understanding of memory comes from experience and experimentation through film and my understanding of filmmaking comes from reflecting on memory. I must accept how distorted my perception on these subjects tends to be, how idiosyncratic this research is.
In the end, do I know what memory is? I ́m not really sure, but I can share some interesting experiences. Did I learn to be a filmmaker? I ́m not sure, but I can make some sort of films.
The reader of this research may disagree with me on lots of things. I believe this is a natural and a valuable position for the reader to take. At my core, I hold a belief that memory, being such a subjective process, can hardly be defined as a universal unified experience.
As such, this research is simply a record of experiments and the reflections that these experiments have produced. Some conclusions replicate what has been found in other disciplines that study memory. Some findings are simple, almost obvious. Some other findings are new to me and may very well be far from a universal truth or understanding of memory. Nevertheless, I deliver this text hoping that the wisdom of the reader will be able to see beyond the holes and fill them with their own knowledge.
