Influence of Critically-Committed Pedagogy 

The lectures from Nama Adusei-Poku at BAK Symposium and in the class lecture at Critically Committed Pedagogy together with Teana Boston-Mammah, have made me completely reevaluate my educational perspectives, and mainly my pedagogical perspectives. The lectures they gave engaged with the concepts of embodied knowledge, de-colonialisation, and the relevance of difference in the context of education. Thought these concepts I acquired new insight into my motives as a teacher and my pedagogical ethos. My theoretical interest, my artistic expression, my educational motives, and my personal history, revealed itself to be more related and relevant then I initially thought. It touched me on a profoundly deep and personal level, to the degree that I couldn't hold back my tears in the classroom when Nama and Teana talked about embodied knowledge and white tears, about white innocence and subconscious discrimination against people of color. Some people, including a couple of classmates, felt discriminated by the presentation on discrimination of people of color, this surprised me and disturbed me. This is the white tear that Nama and Teana talked about, to feel discriminated when someone else takes about how their being discriminated. Have these white people ever encountered structural discrimination? I’ll make a parallel comparison to this remark: If someone is talking about their experiences as a cancer patient, the experiences of how people look at you when your bald from chemo. The similar reaction would be; ”why do you always need to talk about cancer, you know, I have a disease as well.” or; ” caner or not, I know how it is to be bald” or perhaps in a fashion like; “I know what you mean, I know someone who has cancer” We listen fullheartedly to people who tell us about their encounters and suffering, even though we can not relate directly, it’s called empathy, the ability to feel with the other person despite a difference in experience. So why do we feel the feel left out when talking about racism? Why do we feel the need to protect and defend our innocence? Our need to level experiences? But also, why did it affect me so profoundly? In order to find the explanation I have to address my personal history, my family history.

Influence of Critically-Committed Pedagogy 

The lectures from Nama Adusei-Poku at BAK Symposium and in the class lecture at Critically Committed Pedagogy together with Teana Boston-Mammah, have made me completely reevaluate my educational perspectives, and mainly my pedagogical perspectives. The lectures they gave engaged with the concepts of embodied knowledge, de-colonialisation, and the relevance of difference in the context of education. Thought these concepts I acquired new insight into my motives as a teacher and my pedagogical ethos. My theoretical interest, my artistic expression, my educational motives, and my personal history, revealed itself to be more related and relevant then I initially thought. It touched me on a profoundly deep and personal level, to the degree that I couldn't hold back my tears in the classroom when Nama and Teana talked about embodied knowledge and white tears, about white innocence and subconscious discrimination against people of color. Some people, including a couple of classmates, felt discriminated by the presentation on discrimination of people of color, this surprised me and disturbed me. This is the white tear that Nama and Teana talked about, to feel discriminated when someone else takes about how their being discriminated. Have these white people ever encountered structural discrimination? Why do we feel left out when talking about racism? Why do we feel the need to protect and defend our innocence? Our need to level experiences? But also, why did it affect me so profoundly? In order to find the explanation I have to address my personal history, my family history.

Personal Background 

It was at the 60th birthday party of my uncle that I first encountered my relatives form my dad’s side of the family in 20 year. After my uncle introduced me as the daughter of his brother, after the first glance and realizing I was my fathers daughter, they looked at me once  and refused any further eye contact, let alone to talk to me, they proceeded to speak fresh to each other. I was structurally being ignored. And why? Because of my father. Not just because he was the son of my grandmother, who married outside of the aristocracy, and not just because my farther was gay, but because he took the family name of his mother and appealed for a title at he european court.  

Second time I encountered my family was in the garden of the family castle, I was there stealing fruit with my uncle, he always took me there to steal fruit. I was suddenly graced with the presence of my grand-aunt, who took the effort to go out of her house with her walking reck to look at the classic car that was parked outside, my car. The first question she asked me, was; how long I haven't spoken to my father. Because the answer was to her satisfaction, she engaged in a conversation with me. We had a talk for the first time. It was 5 years later that I first stepped into the house. I refused to be ignored and to be judged by upon fathers behavior. But I had to step into their arena and obey to their rules in order to be taken seriously, and this is my flesh and blood. I realize that if it wasn't for my uncle they would have never talked to me. And the only reason they talk to my uncle is because he is a self-made man who made it big in banking and didn't take the family name. Last year my grand-aunt died. My uncle still visits the family house and walks around it, steals some fruit, but he can not enter. The house was passed on to my godfather, the son of my gran-aunt, and he is never there. We will never truly be part of the family. To be accepted, but still not truly part of the group. This false acceptance is what Nama and Teana also talked about. An white elitist position the sometimes aren't even aware of. In my family this way of acting is traditionally accepted, I don't even think they are aware of it.  

I know I have an elitist position, even though I’m treated like a bastard in my own family. I do know the codes, I know the language, the topics of conversation. Yet I’m not part of it. Despite my difficulties I knew that my knowledge of these codes also helped me to climb up the social and educational ladder. This puts me in a position in which I can relate to the way Nama and Teana talk about discrimination, and recognize the subconscious discrimination. But can you truly recognize these? Can you truly reflect on your own position? Do you really see your preferences? When your privileged? Because, just because you haven't encountered other people being discriminated or discriminating yourself, it doesn't mean its not there, it doesn't mean your not doing it, and this might be painful. Somehow we need to be able to face it, to recognize it, and be able to hold our peers accountable for it. Because if my uncle hadn't made me visable, I would have never stood a chance. I realize that I have to stand up for people when others who recognize as me “one of the group”, are discriminating. The person who is being discriminated can scream and shout, but perhaps it needs to be the surrounding that stands up for the person who is being discriminated, not just the victim itself. Perhaps you need someone else from the group to make someone in the group realize their behavior.Perhaps what I’m trying to say by giving personal examples, is that we shouldn't underestimate the value of others to change our perspective. 

I always worked in male dominated working environments, first in a garage and now at a racing company. I never felt discriminated as women, I refused to be perceived and addressed as my gender. But still I encounter blindness, the usability to look beyond gender. Usually once you start talking about content and show your enthusiasm and sufficient knowledge on the topic, most people start to take you seriously and forget about the form. And I know there is hardly anything I can do, or say, or prove, to make them change their perspective. Sometimes this change of perspective takes time, sometimes its my male colleagues back me up. Like one instance, the father of a driver was contantly trying to explain car tecniques to me in a very childish way. When I proposed to take the battery of my car to charge the racecar battery, the father of the driver made a remark to my employer if he shouldn't help me, my employers reply was: “she can do it herself” this remark set a change in the perspective for the father. He sat down, and asked why I like cars. But there are multiple occasions that I was on the side of “the group”. I was in train one and the conductor didn't check my ticket, he told me that he trusted that I had a ticket. Two seats further he did check the ticket of the black women, she accidentally took the ov-card from her sister with her. The conductor took her card because it might be stolen. They got into an argument, he told her he wouldn't call the police because they might accuse him unjustly of discrimination. I stood up and told that it was the case, because he siding check me. She could have argued, appealed and complained all she wanted, be he only heard his own narrative.

Educational background 

Being in an educational master made me reflect on my own educational journey, and this wasn't one of glamour and ease. I use to despise education. I went to four elementary schools and three high schools before I decided to I quit school when I was 15 years old. Officially I couldn't even quit because of the obligation to stay in school till you were 16, but there was nothing that could drag me back into the school benches. I went on the wrong path, got a bit sidetracked, and subsequently ended up in the hospital with an overdose when I 17 years old. After cleaning life up and myself, I started working in a garage for Volvo’s and classic cars and did some mechanical courses and airbrush painting courses. I did attempt to finish high school several times, but in the end it was over 6 years later that I finished my last HAVO courses. My high school courses were in Art and Society (C&M) with a supplement of Management and Organization. With this diploma the gates to education were open again. I did the pre-course of the ABKM (Art school of Maastricht), I got accepted, but declined. I did the colloquium doctum for FWdG (faculty of cultural sciences at the University of Maastricht), got accepted, but also declined. I decided to entered the Bachelor Commercial Management (HZuyd Sittard) but dropped out with psychological problems after the first half year. I had another break, this time for two years. In this two years I did start volunteering at a platform for public debates and set up a small wine import company. 

After this period I encountered a medical problem with my hands, and I couldn't draw for two months— fortunately it was the worst case of the most harmless medical condition— it was at this moment that I decided to choose for art school. I did the application for ABKM again, got accepted again, and declined again. Two days before the application deadlines I applied for the Bachelor Fine Art at the HKU (School of Arts Utrecht). From there on things went uphill, drawing became documentation of drawing, which became performance. I finished my Bachelor in arts with specialization of Digital Media. There were two teachers that introduced me to theory; Christina Della Giustina and Annette Krauss, after tasting my fist nips of academic texts I got curious. And there was another teacher, Kostana Banovic, that introduced me to video-essays, I got hooked and read Theodor Adorno’s text “The essay as Form” for the first time, and many times after. I decided to apply for the research master artistic research at the UvA (University of Amsterdam). I also applied for the MAR of KABK (Master Artistic Research at Royal Academy of The Hague). It was at this moment that I first encountered the dichotomy of the theory dominated and practice dominated art education. I also encountered the resistance for theory in the arts, I got discouraged by several teachers to engage with theory to much because it would ruin my artworks. I did proceed, and got accepted at both universities, but I couldn't choose between the them. Because I had a lack of academic skills and experience, I decided to choose the UvA. But I still missed the integration of practice and theory. I missed a truly multi-disciplinary environment, so I decided to organize one: Café Chercher. Together with a co-student and professor we created a platform for sharing of unfinished projects in-between the fields of research and art. During the writing of my master thesis “PER-FORM, the performative essay, and the essayistic performance” I investigated the essay in relation to performance art, but as an underlying motivation was to investigate if the essay could be used as method for the field of artistic research education. 

After discovering the potential for the essay as a method for art education I decided to apply for a Master in art education. Again I encountered the theory/practice dichotomy, I entered the UvA’s post-master educational program ILO and at the same time the MEiA (Master Education in Arts at the Piet Zwart institute). The first dominantly theoretical but with internships, the second dominantly practical. In the end I close for the practice-led master because it allows met to incorporate my background as an artist. It is exactly because of my background as an artist, that I got discouraged yet again, this time not because of the idea that theory could ruin my art practice, but that education shall. Again, I proceeded. I know I could have never climbed up this long ladder without the trust of my teachers. Teachers have been a big influence on me, when I was in the 4th grade of elementary school the teacher hung my collage with the 5th graders in the hallway. This was the first time I realized that an image could be appreciated. When I was in high school and the art teacher let me out of the classroom to draw outside instead of sitting in the classroom, in which I wasn't that good, I felt trusted. It was when I saw the movie on Basquiat in class, that I first felt what art could be. Without these teacher I would perhaps never have finished high school. Without Christina, Kostana and Annette I would perhaps never have applied to the university. These influences I cary with me and hopefully I can carry them on to others. 

So my background is in the artistic and the academic, but also in the organizational. This last part I wasn't fully aware of before, I always thought that Management and Organization and Commercial Management were just the odd ducks in the pond. As I analyze on my educational background, I notice that I kept hovering between the dominantly practical and dominantly theocratical fields of education. not just in my Bachelor and Master but already before that with the decision to apply for art school and cultural sciences. Maybe it’s the difference between practice Universities and research Universities, but Artistic Research is the field that aims to bring there two together and yet somehow it seems that the educational field is still not completely able to do so. Perhaps this is where my interest for the essay comes from, a form which also hoovers between the academic and the artistic, between the subjective and objective. Which investigates an object of investigation from different perspectives. Perhaps this is also the reason why I want to incorporate my own background in this writing, to gain more insight in my personal motivations and my historical predispositions.

I can use my experience in both the field of art practice and academic research in my roll as a teacher, also I can use my experiences as a rebellious student in order to help and motivate young students. Perhaps even my experience and affiliation with organizing can be a used in organizing seminars.