Why self-portraits?

In my presentation, I would like to present my look on documentary self-portraits and how this practice may influence an author. The presentation is a combination of my own self-portrait “Find Me” and the findings I have made during the filming (20 minutes screening + 20 minutes presentation). Rather than analyze the films of others, I have chosen the more vulnerable way – I decided to make myself the center of attention to gain the most specific information and experience. Of course, I have watched and analyzed the works of others, but the result of my research is personalized. It is as personal as it gets, and I hope that my insights into this process may help other people grow.

The film is already a partial result of the research. I believe that by watching it, the viewers may find the desire to see themselves with their own eyes and not through the lens of others. In my culture it is quite common that when we share food, we first make sure everyone else had a bite, only then we realize there is nothing left for us. This may overtime create a feeling of resentment towards others and virtually towards ourselves as well. When we try to look in the mirror, and really look, this can make us much more qualified and sensitive filmmakers than any film class ever will.

I filmed various documentaries which I may now contrast with the self-portrait to put this project into context. What I found out and what I would like to talk about is how revealing ones handwriting and not being afraid to use it, is crucial to the whole documentary (and feature) production process. Also, this is a great exercise which is accessible to anyone who dares to give it a try. However, it is not just an arbitrary activity that follows no rules, there is still a structure that a filmmaker can lean on and be led by.

We live in an overstimulated era. There are new things happening all the time, every day, every second. Sometimes it is so difficult to focus on creative work, its just impossible to become fully drawn into the process, to find the state of “flow”. I believe this is something that differentiates our approach to art from older generations and cannot be taught. I see a self-portrait as this opportunity to become the renaissance artist, to find the connection of mind, body, and ideas. This feels like a skill that we may have started to loose but it is not too late to get in touch with it again.

In the article below, I describe some of my findings. This should not be an exact copy of what I want to talk about, as the research is ongoing, but it does present some of the interesting points I would like to at least mention.

Find Me: Self-portraiture as a tool

Self-portraits are widely known in all sorts of media – paintings, photography, literature (in the form of autobiography), and we cannot omit the phenomenon of the “selfie”. Many people use these tools as means of self-exploration and self-observation, but what do these really mean, when it comes to our “seventh” art, filmmaking?

The pandemic has increased the number of self-portraits in documentary film, due to isolation and the need to speak about it. Many authors, locked in their homes, had nothing else to explore and so they very often decided to dive into their own minds and emotions and tried to find ways of expressing it. The question that lay above all of this was: why is it so difficult to express oneself, when we are so quick to capture and represent others? Is this struggle even worth it? To better understand this topic, I had to plunge deeper, not searching for the self-portrait documentaries, but to explore different artforms, which offer various answers to the questions above. You are about to read only a fraction of my exploration, but one that I personally consider inspiring and, in many ways, provocative. It may feel like walking through a series of shortcuts; still, the idea behind this text is not to guide you through every corner of the “city” of self- portraits, but rather to show you some of its hidden gems.

The exercise aspect

Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn, widely known as “Rembrandt”, was a Dutch painter of the 17th century. He created great paintings for the powerful and wealthy, but he also managed to etch and paint over 80 self-portraits. Many of them were considered only a “training”, to see how he can capture light, reflections, and facial expressions. This opinion transformed when he started signing his self-portraits “Rembrandt” – he became so well known, there was no need to give his full name.

His early self-portraits share a very distinct attribute – even though we speak of a self-portrait, most of his face (and most importantly the eyes) are in darkness. One may conclude that he does not wish the viewers to read his emotions or stance towards life, that he wants to remain an artist hidden in the shadow – at least for the time being. ^[1] In his later works, he portrays himself dressed in expensive and exotic clothes of the earlier 16 th century, a time when the painters he admired created their greatest pieces. This is also the time when he gets to experiment the most, using different fabrics, hats, jewelry and even armor, although he was never part of the military. He is also credited for establishing the beret as a symbol of an artist.

Finally, when he comes back to the self-portraiture after a longer silence, he no longer dresses in extravagant costumes, but uses the clothes appropriate to his personal status and time. He no longer hides his face in darkness but stares right at the viewer with a piercing intensity.

But why do I bring it up, you may be asking?

Look at Rembrandt, a man who almost everyone heard about, an artist who was paid a fortune to paint for aristocrats, while at the same time managing to sneak his own persona into these works, as if he wanted to be everywhere and forever. He may have succeeded in that, at least partially, but he also struggled with finding out his “true self”. Around eighty self-portraits we know about, and he was still searching. The image of himself kept slipping through his fingers and he skillfully painted again and again, trying to capture the essence of his own being on canvas.

So, if you ever feel like you are not able to express yourself, if you are not sure what ideas to include and which parts to set aside, just remember Rembrandt. He also struggled and made up fantasies of himself, more than once. He used the self-portrait as means of practice, sure, but he also used it to create a better version of himself, the version he might have wanted to achieve. And although his face may remain an everchanging mystery, the truth is, no one can rob him of those identities. And those faces speak of his time and his struggle, documenting more than just a reflection of light on his cheeks.

The aspect of health

Let us move on to a very interesting young photographer, Francesca Woodman. She was most active as a photographer in her early 20s and committed suicide before turning 23 in 1981. Her works were highly autobiographical but also very expressive and experimental. One would suppose that by looking at some of her self-portraits it was possible to glimpse the demons that drove her to end her life. Contrary to that view, her photography peer, Sloan Rankin, believes that Francesca was the most alive when she took photos. Another, more recent artist with a similar life story, Lene Marie Fossen, literally kept herself alive by creating self-portraits (She died of anorexia in 2019, 33 years old).

Why do I mention their fraught destinies? Well, when I started creating my own self-portrait, somehow it went hand-in-hand with the question of my own wellbeing (both mental and physical). I also questioned the need to create this portrait, because I do not know why anyone should want to watch a film about me. Or why did Woody Allen create so many characters representing him. Or why did Hitchcock, and Carriere, and many others sneak themselves into the films they produced. I do not claim all these threads tie together, but I believe as long as we can consider ourselves capable of creating art, we are okay. The “muse” does not come from the outside world, it only stimulates us. And because without action there is no reaction, there is no art without the artist.

A self-portrait may or may not indicate the creative health of an artist. It is said the artist must suffer to create, and although I agree experiencing a range of emotions and situations is crucial to the ability of interpreting the world we live in, it is also important to take care of yourself as a human being, not solely as an artist. I will speak from my own experience now, to make this point.

Last year I shot a film about an ultrarunner and a friend of mine, Hana. And while the theme of running long distances was key to the film, so was her personality and life struggles. During the filming, a friend, and a potential life partner of Hana’s, died during an ultrarunning event, falling down a mountain. While this was a tragic event, I thought it will not affect my ability to work on the project. I could not have been more wrong. Through editing and finishing the film, the reality of what happened kept creeping in, until it became a trauma for me. Not only had I stopped creating, but I also encountered many health issues.

At first, I dismissed the problems as minor, but as they continued to appear, I realized my body is trying to communicate something to me. Suffice to say that most of them are regarded immunity difficulties. Bear in mind that I am a healthy person with reasonable eating habits and regular exercise. I have not experienced this amount of health issues since I can remember. It was hard to accept that making a film was a source of my problems and that I may have to take a (creative) rest.

Often the work we do on a film is not visible on the surface. A lot of it happens in our heads and the shooting or post-production is just the tip of the iceberg, really. All the thinking and planning and rethinking, trying to see how you feel about your documentary subjects, striving to be there for every word they mumble – that’s a full-time job by itself. So sometimes, after an intensive creative project, it is vital to deliberately take a break. To turn down the machine and let it cool down. Just as our bodies get stronger by exercise, rest, and nourishment, so do our brains. If you choose not to listen to the warnings your body provides, you may be shut down by brute force. To stand up again from such a fall may be difficult. Some do not get back on their feet at all.

I am a good deterrent example, so you can learn from my mistakes. A creative “engine failure” is just one of the first warnings that something may be wrong, and it is a long way down the road before you hit an actual stop sign. But precisely because of that, you should never ignore it. Maybe you just need a couple of days off – to do something different, to eat and sleep a little bit more, to treat yourself to a good book or simply “space out”. We, filmmakers (and other artists), do what we do because we are good at picking up emotions and stories from all around us. That is why we want to keep that sensitivity intact and our souls safe.

So, does the self-portrait make you a more skilled filmmaker?

Finally, we arrive to the question we set out to answer at the very beginning. As they say, practice makes perfect and so repeating any activity on regular basis will eventually result in your improvement. Self-portrait puts emphasis on some of your skills more than other types of filmmaking. It reveals not only your technical knowledge, but it also extends your ability to understand how it feels to be on the other side of a lens. Let us sum up how it provides you not only with creative freedom but also with new commitments.

1. Self-portrait as experiment

When making a film about yourself, you get to do anything you want. There is no one stopping you from filming or saying whatever you please. It does not even matter if the film gets to see the light of day – you can always consider it practice for what may come-up in future. You are your own director, your own photography maker. Everything depends on your skills.

2. It marks where your boundaries lay

Remember that one time you asked someone to answer this or that question and they refused / hesitated to? Now you are in their shoes and can experience how it feels to be on camera and to act at least sort of natural. This practice also shows you how much pretense there is in creating images we wish others to see. How much of a documentary film is “authentic” is surely very disputable. Now you have your own taste of it.

3. You discover a different relationship with your camera

Do you create your films yourself from scratch or do you let someone help you? Either way, making a self-portrait will supply you with a sharp precision in shooting the images you want. But do not be fooled, it will not come easy. Also, you may find out, that you really struggle with the camera work and that you should really study it a bit more. Or that you may have to establish a good work relationship with a camera person, who sees the images you fail to capture. Truth be told, you should expect it to be extremely difficult. But this can be regarded as growing pains. We will finish here. I can tell you all I want about self-portraiture, but unless you get your own hands dirty, you will be missing out on a great learning experience. Every one of us is an individual human being with its own ideas, struggles and successes. I expect that what you learn about yourself and your skills through this tool will be much different from what I did. Some of you may hate it, it is not for everyone and that is okay as well.

Even as I am typing these lines, I am aware how many changes happen with every new project, with every new book I read, with every new day. Filmmakers have to understand that the world around them is dynamic and fluid, never standing still. And so are the people we choose to capture on camera – they are like onions, with many layers, some of which we may never peel off. It is vital to accept the fact, that there are mysteries others are not willing or capable of sharing – and that is where we should stop. This is where the self-portrait experiment should give you a hint how to sense the borderline. Listen to the people you work with, feel their presence, and observe what they allow to get out. Be patient, kind, and most of all, respect their privacy. Just because you were insistent on one specific topic that they do not want to share does not mean there is nothing else to explore. Ultimately, never forget that the results of your observatory / filmmaking activities are never final. Just remember Rembrandt, who until the very end kept altering and revisiting his own self-portrait. There is something new to discover about yourself every day. That, precisely, is the beauty of it.